Hair today gone tomorrow....

The last 3-4 days my hair has been shedding a fair bit.   I had been hopefully thinking it would slow down or stop, but it’s the not knowing that has finally got to me.   Plus, this morning on the way to the hospital I had a bad headache and I just could not bear the thought of sitting with the cold cap on for 4 hours!!   Wondering and waiting to see if I will lose all my hair has been causing me considerable stress and worry, and it has been falling out bit by bit anyway, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Enough wondering and worrying, I declined the cold cap at chemo today and it was such a relief!!!   My DH has a set of clippers he uses regularly on his own head, so very shortly he will be shaving my head! And maybe we can even get the kids to help!  They are naturally quite worried about having a baldy for a mum, so hopefully if they can see it happening or even help it will be less of a shock for them.

Now that I have decided what to do and am taking action, at the moment at least, I feel good about it.   Once its done I am sure I will shed a few tears and it will take a while to get used to the chilly feeling!    My DH will obviously have to get his head around it too!   As he rightly said “I look at you more than you do!”

Hours later………

The deed is done!   My DH has shaved my head to a number 4.  He had to be brave too.  So I now look like I am joining the army, or like I’m ready to join the Gay Pride March (sorry I’m not usually one for stereotyping people but in this case, it’s true – see pic!)

I’m proud to say I haven’t shed a tear at all.  I feel liberated and would happily walk around with my nearly bare head on show, if it wasn’t so flaming chilly!!   It is very short at the back, and not very attractive, so this morning I braved my first trip out wearing a wig!!   I have to say how grateful I am to Marilyn at The Olive Tree for lending me a couple of wigs to tide me over until my new one arrives.   The Olive Tree is an amazing oasis of calm for people like me where we can  have lots of lovely complimentary therapy treatments and support.  There is always someone there to talk to and its just one minute walk from the hospital where I have my chemo – perfect!  

So I was very brave going out on the school run for the first time wearing Honey – she is a honey blond bob, a little too ‘big’ for my liking but not bad.   My lovely mates at the school playground were very supportive.  Honey is rather itchy though, especially at the back of my neck.  I’m much happier with a head scarf or hat on, but then my appearance does tend to scream “cancer patient” rather loudly! – it’s much easier to blend in with a wig on although I feel more self conscious.

My kids have been a bit unsettled by my dramatic change of appearance.  They didn’t get off to sleep til nearly 9.45 p.m last night! But that could be Easter excitement too.  They definitely prefer it when I cover my head up, though my son (age 7) is rather embarrassed by it all, bless him.   It will take them time to adjust.

So that’s 2 Chemo sessions down – 4 to go!! Whoop Whoop!!   Today I feel pretty good. No sickness or nausea.   I’m tired – but what’s new there then!!

Tomorrow will bring a new hurdle - injecting myself in the belly with a drug called GCSF which will boost my white blood cells and hopefully avoid another stay in hospital after day 10.  I'll let you know how I get on! xx

Keeping a cool head

I am starting my chemotherapy tomorrow.  There is little else on my mind at the moment, it pretty much consumes me, day and night.   I’ve been struggling to get off to sleep due to the cogs whirring and going into overdrive as soon as my head hits the pillow.   I thought that the Oncologist told me to steer clear of any health supplements and alternative remedies. So, being a good girl I had put my Neal’s Yard Remedies “Sleep” roll-on to the back of the bathroom cabinet and ever since have had trouble getting off. Today I spoke to my Breast Care Nurse and she said I was mistaken (easy to get all that info muddled up) and any essential oils used externally would be absolutely fine!  I am SO relieved that tonight I can get back to my old habit of rolling the aromatherapy blend to my pulse points.   If this doesn’t work then I am also now equipped with some hard core sleeping pills from the Doctor!

 

I digress, the main point of this post is to talk about hair loss.  This is the root (pardon the pun) cause of my anxiety.  As we all know if you have chemotherapy you are very likely to suffer hair loss (and not just the hair from your head!).  However there is something that can be worn to prevent this … the amazing and rather attractive (see pic) Cold Cap.  The basic idea is that you wear the cap before, during and after receiving your chemo drugs, during which time it freezes the hair follicles and thereby prevents too much of the chemicals getting into the root and hair shaft.  To learn more about this process please visit this link:

 http://www.paxman-coolers.co.uk/index.php/how-it-works/cooling-caps/ 

My local hospital is lucky enough to have one of the Paxman cooling machines and it looks very new and hi-tech, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw it.   The cap reminds me of a jockey’s helmet and so I shall imagine I am riding a horse running through open fields whilst I am using it!  Mad woman.    If it works, I get to keep most of my locks, not that my hair is particularly special, it just IS to me.  The fact that I will have to sit with my head at -5 degrees for about 4 hours is rather worrying, but I have read that people just forget they are wearing it after the initial shock – I suppose it numbs your brain cells too.    Best case scenario is my hair will thin a little bit but I may still opt for that short elfin hair cut.  Worst case scenario is in about a months’ time I will lose the lot and behind closed doors only, look like an egg head.    It’s really important that whilst I have hair, I treat it as gently as possible, washing it less with very gentle shampoo – I’m aiming at once every 4 days, no hairdryers, no styling products, no hair straighteners!!!  So my hair will look a total (greasy) mess, even if it is my own – are you all screaming “Oh just shave it off and wear a wig!!”?  I am thinking that now.  You can see how I go around in circles, in my head throughout the night.

So in order to prepare for “hair today – gone tomorrow!” (that’s bad isn’t it) I have done the following; bought a silk pillow case – your hair is less likely to be rubbed off onto this than the usual ones; bought some leave in conditioner to wear during treatment (the nurse suggested this) and bought a few different delightful hair wear options, my favourite being a flowery cotton bandana thing that makes me look like ‘Gypsy Rosalee’ complete with my gold hoop earrings.   My BF says I am lucky I can pull off the hair scarf/bandana look, hats generally suit me, so thank heavens for small mercies!

 During my headwear shopping trip I encountered a couple of strange attitudes.   In one shop I asked the sales assistant if a particular scarf was square (you couldn’t see whilst it was all neatly folded on a hanger) and she looked rather annoyed and frankly like she was having a bad day – although the shop was quiet.  She helped by unfolding the scarf to check it out and then enquired what I needed it for.   I thought about lying (which is rarely my style) and then it just popped out, “well actually I’m starting chemo on Thursday so I’m looking for suitable head gear” queue sharp intake of breath and “oh I’m so sorry” and her manner completely changed towards me, she warmed up considerably.  In another shop – a hairdressers actually, one that specializes in weaves for afro hair and hair extensions that young trendy glamorous gals go for, I spied a rather quirky, fun, long pale pink wig, and thought for a laugh, at the right price, I’ll buy that.   I stood by the counter looking at the wigs, trying to find a price and then literally stood and looked around the shop blatantly needing assistance.  The woman at the cash desk just ignored me and carried on chatting to her mate who was doing someone’s hair.  There were 3 or 4 people there working.  They ALL ignored me whilst I stood there like a plum. Yes I am white and knocking on 40 but I had every right to be there, hankering after a pink wig!  I should have spoke up, but instead I just thought sod this, and walked out!!  I bet if I had had the confidence to speak up and then told them why I wanted a wig, I would have encountered a swift change in attitude once again.   And that’s a sad state of affairs don’t you think.

Ooh I’m in danger of sounding like my BF, so I will leave it there! (love you Tash)

Think of me tomorrow, riding my horse!   I'll be back again soon to let you know how it went.