Bring on the Exercise!!

Life is racing by and so far I have neglected to get into a regular exercise routine.  You know, the one that's really important to improving my chances of never getting breast cancer again.  I confess, I have got a little lazy.   Plus, exercise and I have never really been best buddies.  But particularly following my post about how housework won't keep you fit I really should have gotten my arse in gear by now.  And yesterday morning my dear husband called me on this.  He basically said "when are you going to start exercising?", which was hard to hear but he has been worrying about it and he is quite right. When am I and why aren't I??

I think the reason is fairly straightforward, I haven't found any form of exercise I really enjoy, AND I am scared of it.  I am scared of that feeling, out of breath, puffing and panting, face red as a beetroot, burning in your air ways.   I told him I have had enough discomfort this year without adding to it!!! Pathetic eh? I am good at thinking up excuses.

I do really want to get fit and make it part of my life, but I am floundering at how to do this.   I go to my weekly yoga class, which my husband scoffs at, but I believe it has helped me.   My upper body strength and muscle tone is improving week by week and I do get muscle aches and pains from being stretched - literally!

But yes he is right - yoga will not get my heart pumping and make me sweat, thereby giving my body the overall workout it needs to get truly fighting fit.   

So, here we go.  From this day onwards, I WILL EXERCISE 5 TIMES PER WEEK.  Exercise in my book is doing 30 mins or more of cardio work, something that gets me out of breath and sweating, apart from the 1 yoga session.  So 4 sessions of cardio work and 1 yoga EVERY WEEK.   Some may think I am setting my sights a little high, but I've got to devote myself 100% to this, otherwise I will just put it further down the list of priorities and before I know it I have only exercised once in a week.   My exercise of choice will be running (which I will build up gradually by walking and running in bursts) or cycling when its dry enough, or doing the Wii Just Dance on sweat mode if its chucking it down or snowing.   I've even made myself a wall chart!

So today my first day, I've started well, home from the school run then straight back out again doing my fast walking with jogging bursts, 28 mins, I worked up a little sweat and it felt good.  As I got home a bit earlier than intended I then ran up and down the stairs a few times, definitely felt that!  It was a good start.   

I need to get into town and buy some proper running trainers and once I am well equipped I will definitely increase the running and see where it takes me!

My whole life I have been one of those girls who'd avoid PE, and always said "I don't do running", but that is going to change.  I just hope my knees can take it!

I shall update my blog with details of my progress, so you my lovely readers can give me grief if I appear to be slacking.   Over and out for now. x

Radiotherapy for Dummies

I've been trying to write this post now for days and can never find a good time.  Anyway here it is, sorry if it's a bit rambling!!

I'm going to try and explain radiotherapy treatment so those of you who haven't got a clue what it is and what it does will get a better understanding of it.  It might even help me in the process!!

The treatment uses high energy x-rays (or electrons) to treat cancer.  It basically blasts the cancer cells and kills them off.   The machine that is used for this is called a Linear Accelerator and it looks a bit like a giant microscope, with me the patient being slid in underneath its 'lens'.   Before my treatment started I had a 'planning scan' where scan pictures and lots of measurements were taken of my boob, they also gave me two tiny little pin prick tattoos which they now use as reference points to line me up in the LA machine.   The planning of the treatment takes about 2 weeks and is very important as careful planning helps prevent the radiation from affecting healthy parts of the body.

My consultant has decided I need 4 weeks of treatment, that is once a day, 5 days a week for 3 weeks on my whole left boob and underarm and then 1 week concentrating just on the scar area, where the lump was.   My consultant has been through all the possible side effects with me and I had to sign a consent form acknowledging them all and giving my permission for treatment.   The most likely side effects are fatigue and skin soreness, but this can be minimised by avoiding irritants such as underwire bras and perfumed bath products, in fact I'm not allowed to use anything other than water, aqueous cream and aluminium free deodorant.  For me, ditching my underwire bras doesn't come easy as I like to keep my 34E's well supported!! So I need to get myself some 'comfort' bras and get used to the 'baggy boob' look!!  Funny how this bothers me more than other side effects I could be exposed to.....

As the treatment is to my left breast, there is a chance that my heart can be affected and also the lungs can become less stretchy which would result on shortness of breath, but the benefits of radiotherapy far outweighs the risks, so I'm not going to dwell on the negatives.

Since finishing Chemo I've had pretty much two months off of being a 'hospital patient', so going back in there last Monday was hard to do and has made me feel rather depressed during the past week.    On my first day of treatment I found it rather bemusing to find myself sitting next to 70 year old men in their dressing gowns in the waiting room.   The fact that all patients need to be half naked during treatment had escaped me, and as there is a shortage of clean hospital gowns patients are encouraged to bring in and wear their own robe.    For all of my treatments I have to strip to the waste and put on my robe (they provide changing rooms), then sit out in the waiting area to be called.   So far I haven't had to wait longer than 20 mins.     When the nurse (radiographer is probably the correct term) calls me I go round the corner down this long wide corridor and into a large room where the LA machine is.  At my hospital I think there are 8 of these machines in total, and they appear to all be in use and busy.   I don't think I will ever get used to seeing how busy this Cancer Centre is!  It's scary.

For every treatment I have to give the nurse my name, address and DOB, obviously so they can make sure they are giving the correct treatment to me and not someone elses.  Then I climb on the bench thingy, lay down and raise my left arm out to the side and above my head to hold onto a handle.  This bench then goes upwards (about 4ft off the ground) and back under the machine.    I'm told to lie heavily and relax whilst the nurses shift my position every so slightly to the left and make pen marks on my chest and underarm.    There is usually 2 to 4 people in the room, all doing their job, reading out measurements and checking that everything is set up accurately.   I'm very impressed with their speedy, professional yet chirpy bedside manner.   They must see dozens of patients in a day and treat all areas of the body, they must see all sorts of sights but just carry on in the same professional manner.    Whilst they are checking everything is set up properly the lights are dimmed a couple of times so they can check the position of the laser - at least I think that's what it is - there's a green laser beam and a red one coming out of the machine, which you can't see when the lights are on full.   So, once all the pre treatment checks are done, the nurses leave the room with a cheery "Here we go!" so they can avoid the radiation themselves and operate the machine from the adjoining room - they can see me via a camera and screen.    I need to stay completely still while the machine runs.  First it blasts me from the left side - not that I can feel or see anything happening but the machine makes a noise when its on, and then it moves over in an arc to my right side and blasts me again twice.    The actual treatment takes a matter of seconds and I'm in the treatment room for a total of 10 minutes all in.    I've now had 7 out of my 20 doses of radiation and so far have only noticed a few shooting pains through my boob and the skin is beginning to dry out.      The main reason I have found it tricky to get time to write this post, is because the journey too and from treatment takes me about an hour each way plus I have to park in Tesco's car park at the hospital so have got way-layed a few times having lunch at Costas or picking up a few supplies.   When I get home there's often only time for a cuppa tea and to empty the dishwasher before I have to go out again on the school run.  It's all go you know!

It's not all doom and gloom though.    I'm also making the most of free alternative therapies offered at the cancer support centre - yesterday I enjoyed a session called Bodytalk, on Thursday I have an Indian Head Massage booked and later in the month, a Mindfulness (otherwise known as meditation) session.   I shall post again on my experience of these.  Bye for now and please visit again! x

The A&E dash

I was going to write about my Chemo Brain - its worse than 'baby brain'!  But then last night I was taken ill, and have spent all morning today at A&E so thought I'd tell you about this little adventure first!
I have no idea whether I picked up a tummy bug or got food poisoning from eating a rotiserie chicken (not very wise on my part, but oh SO tempting!), but at about 2 a.m this morning I was woken with a start, made a quick dash to the loo and was violently 'ill' from both ends - sorry too much info I know.  But this is the front line people!    As today is my 12th day since my 3rd dose of chemo, I am on neutropenia alert.  My Fast Pass (which rushes us chemo patients through the A&E waiting room) states you must attend A&E if you have diarrohea.  Or if you have a fever, which I did.   Before we rushed off up the hospital, I did phone the Helpline number and an Oncologist rang me back.  He said to take my anti-sickness medicine and see how I went.   So I did that and wasn't sick again, but then my temperature spiked up to 37.9c.  In these situations its really hard to know what to do for the best.  If you go to A&E you know you can expect to be there, waiting, for the best part of 4 hours, they might even admit you in which case you are there for 3 days or more, and no one wants that do they!! But if you stay home, hoping to ride it out, it's quite scary, as you don't really know how your immune system is coping with whatever you've got and in the middle of the night, I have on a few occasions been too scared to sleep in case I don't wake up!   So really, if I have any of the symptoms mentioned on my Fast Pass I know that doing the right thing and getting to A&E a.s.a.p has to be done - it's just such a pain in the arse!!  I am very lucky to have some fabulous friends locally to me, who I know will help with looking after the kids when me and DH make a mad dash for the hospital.  This is such a relief.   Good friends and family (of course) are worth their weight in gold.   Without wishing anything bad to happen to my nearest and dearest, I hope to one day, be able to repay the love and support I have received from them.

One last thing - I think Nurses are amazing!!! There was this male nurse at A&E who was just so cheerful, courteous and GOOD at his job, that I couldn't fail to be in awe of him.   When you think of what he has to deal with on a daily basis, it's amazing that he can maintain such a positive, happy attitude.  It must be a very rewarding job, not in monetary terms of course, but rewarding to the soul.   I came away thinking maybe I should retrain to become a nurse, but truth is, I definitely don't have the stomach for it!!

AT LAST - SOME GOOD NEWS!!

It's been 1 week and a day since my operation.    I have been in pain and discomfort for most of the week, whilst my wounds are healing.    It's not sharp, constant pain, more like pinchy, twisting, uncomfortable twinges.   All my friends and family have rallied around me.  I cannot quite believe the amount of flowers, cards and gifts I have received.    So many lovely thoughts and things, that it's almost worth getting breast cancer for!   Joke - you've got to laugh haven't you.    I've spent most of the week chatting, laughing, crying, drinking tea, eating cake and chocolate and generally sitting around recuperating, whilst my beloved DH has been doing EVERYTHING else.   The school run, the ironing, the housework, the cooking, the shopping, bath & bedtime for the kids - you name it and he has done it. If it were up to me he'd be given a Knighthood for all that he's done and will continue to do (no doubt).   And I love him, with all my heart.    Of course, what we have really been doing all week is just waiting.

Waiting for today to come, when I would receive the results of tests they've run on the lump and sentinel ymph node which Sam the Man (my consultant surgeon) removed.  When I woke this morning I had a strong feeling that today was a turning point.  Life would not be the same after wards.  Yeah I know it's already changed significantly in the past weeks.   The appointment wasn't until this afternoon so this morning I went out for walk to enjoy the glorious blue sky and it was so warm I regretted wearing a coat!   I thought it was simply impossible to receive bad news on such a beautiful day.

Okay, now I'll cut to the chase (I know you are all busy) - we got to the hospital and were very soon called in (yep no waiting around for an hour - amazing!).   My DH and I entered the examination room and the nurse asked me to strip to the waist (I'm used to this now), then very quickly the room was filled with 4 more people. Yikes! I had an audience.  At this point alarm bells started ringing - did they really need this extra back up to break the news to me?  There was the Consultant (Sam the Man's boss), the Macmillan nurse, the clinic nurse, and another woman, who turned out to be a doctor (in training I think).   The Consultant takes a quick look at my wounds and is very pleased with them, they are healing nicely, I've done "really well".  He might as well have patted me on the head!  So then I get dressed and go into the little office next door, for the main event - THE RESULTS!  (queue X-Factor style dramatic music).......I braced myself.      He says that the tests on my lymph node are negative! and the 'margins' on the lump are also clear!  The cancer has not spread.   WHOOP WHOOP!! I nearly jumped for joy.  This is such a relief.  He could well have been saying the opposite and booking me in for more surgery.    I consider myself oh so VERY lucky to still have 2 whole breasts.  Me and 'the girls' have had a narrow escape.  Finally, after a shitty 2011 and even shittier start to 2012, we get some GOOD NEWS!!!

This is not the end of the journey though.   I have an appointment with the Oncologist next Thursday to discuss my treatment plan which will be chemotherapy first, then radiotherapy - all of which should be done and dusted by oh..............July or August.  So watch this space if you want to find out what a Cold Cap and a Chemo Caddy is!! xx

MY FRIENDS ARE WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD

I woke about 5 am today with a tight, pinching pain under my arm.   I laid there for quite a while, wondering whether or not my wound was infected, yet not wanting to get up.  Mainly cos if I got up I knew my sleeping DH would wake with a start, concerned for my well-being.   He needs his sleep, bless him.   He is being super dad and super husband right now, doing all the cooking, cleaning, school runs, bedtime routine - pretty much doing everything, so I knew him being woken at 5 a.m would not have been good.   I wasn't in agony, just discomfort.
Anyhow due to this early awakening for me and the pain in my pit, I felt very low, dare I say it - depressed - this morning.  I managed to get dressed but then went back to bed and cried under the duvet. 
However, thanks to some fabulous friends, the day took a massive U-turn and now I am feeling great!!  Was it The Universe rallying the troops in response to my despair? or was it just that I have very thoughtful friends and that everyone is very worried about me right now?!
Within an hour I received 2 text messages and 2 phone calls from my 'lovelies' checking up on me.
Then I went off to the see the Practice Nurse at the docs surgery, who changed my dressings and confirmed that all was well - no yucky infection - phew!!!  And she arranged some extra strong painkillers for me. Hurrah!
Once home, I had a little lie down, being driven to the doctors and back again had worn me out ;) - and then my day just got even better....  a dear friend (or was it a Shining Angel) showed up at my door, complete with homemade pizza for lunch and a bag of treats.  Lots of chat, tears and laughter ensued.   She even took time to give me a mini manicure! 

So, although I have been feeling quite unlucky of late - the outpouring of love and support I have received from my friends since being diagnosed with breast cancer is actually making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world!!!   My friends (all of them) are worth their weight in gold! xxx

Oh Bollocks - more like it!!!

Today is the day I have had the worst news anyone, at my age, with 2 lovely children can have - in my opinion.  Why is life SO shit?!   please excuse this post if its a bit angry and rather rambling.   That's because a) I have just been told I have Grade 3 breast cancer and b) I have downed a large glass of red wine at 4 p.m.
So back in early January I noticed my left boob had a strange dent in it, literally like someone had poked it hard and the skin had stayed there.  Weird.  I checked myself for lumps and found nothing, so thought oh well, maybe it will disappear, which of course it didnt!   I am blessed (or not) with a January birthday so I just got on with my life, celebrating, working, being Mum, until one day in a text exchange with MBF (My Best Friend) she said she was going to the Docs the next day to get her nipple checked out as it had changed. So I thought, 'oh bugger yes I should get myself checked out'. That night I examined my boob again and found a lump.  A nasty, hard, non moving lump.   It is quite deep set into my chest, so was tricky to locate as my boobs are a decent size (E cup).   I remember laying there that night, close to tears, thinking OH SHIT this is something horrible.   I have had lumpy boobs most of my adult life and it 2003 I found a lump which was diagnosed as a cyst and the fluid was drained there and then - no drama - all sorted.    But I knew that this time it was different.
So first thing the next morning I rang to get a Doctors appointment and when the Doctor examined me she new it was dodgey right away.    She sent a fax direct from her computer, I accidentally read the heading on the screen.  It said  "URGENT - BREAST CANCER (blah blah - I didn't need to read any more!)".     A cold feeling of dread started to creep into my gut.

So the following week I went to the local hospital "One Stop Breast Clinic".  It sounds far too jolly and like somewhere you can pick up a pint of milk doesnt it?!   After a 50 minute wait, I called in to see the consultant.   Reassuringly he had my notes for previous visit with the cyst in 2003.  He asked me lots of questions and then proceeded to examine me.  It is a slightly surreal experience having a man stand back, appraising your naked chest while you sit up straight on a hospital couch with your hands on your hips, and then of course he asks you lie back and proceeds to examine your breasts, in a professional manner of course, but I must admit thinking "I bet he enjoys his job!"   The consultant, I'm gonna call him Sam (cos that's his name), took a while, but then found the lump.  He said in his opinion it felt quite soft and he wasn't actually "suspicious" at all about it.   However as I had the dent in my breast, and the lump felt biggish, I should go have a mammogram and a core biospy right then, and then come back to see him in the afternoon.     I really cannot explain just how painful the mammogram was! OMG! as they say.  I have been through childbirth twice, and I have to say the pain from this mammogram did compare and it made me cry!   I guess I was lacking in the adrenaline you get during childbirth pain but I recommend they have some gas n air on hand in the mammogram room in future - especially for young-ish patients like myself with relatively pert bossoms.    As you get older and your boobs become deflated, I hope and pray that it becomes less painful!   I shall find this out however before my boobs have had the chance to deflate. :(

After a morning of tests the Doctor told us (me and DH) to come back at 4.30 pm for the results, although the biospy results would not be known for another 5 working (long) days.  So we went off and with the children in school and nothing else to do, opted to cheer ourselves up with a pub lunch.  I enjoyed a large glass of pinot grigio and a steak pie, whilst my lovely man had gammon, egg and chips washed down with a beer - perfect.  We chatted and joked about what could be ahead of us, wondering really why we needed to go back the same day when the biopsy results wouldn't come through for another week, so surely they couldn't tell us much.    We really felt that they couldn't give us any definite diagnosis so soon.   Boy, were we wrong!

So, we dutifully returned to the clinic at 4.30 p.m and were soon seen by the Consultant, I had a bad feeling.   Just before we were called in I said to DH "maybe they DO know, and they WILL be giving us bad news"...... I am glad I had that gut feeling, it prepared me in the nick of time.  We entered the room, there was the Consultant and nurse who we saw earlier in the day, and there was a 3rd person in the room.     A lady dressed is smart but casual civilian clothes, a name badge on her cardigan and a very sympathetic smile upon her face.   We soon found out that she was the Macmillan Nurse.  That says it all really doesn't it.  Sam quickly cut to the chase and showing us the pictures of my mammogram, pointed out the offending area and simply said "I'm sorry but you do have a breast cancer lump".   Obviously he did say more than that, but I didn't really hear anything else.    I remember him saying so we need to operate to remove the lump, I can do this for you and at a later stage, if necessary, I can refill your boob with fat from your tummy if you wish.  He then got his diary out, flicking through the coming pages, settled on a date and said if I cancel this person (crosses through their entry) then I can operate on you on Weds 15th Feb.   And all I could think was - phew, glad its not Valentine's Day!!!!

Of course, I was also thinking "NOOOOOO!   HE SAYS ITS BREAST CANCER!!! THIS CANNOT BE TRUE!"    DH and I were truly shocked and actually thought Sam The Man had probably got it wrong - even though he is the expert.    But he said that he could tell it was cancerous because of the size and shape of it.  He didn't need to wait for the core biopsy results to confirm this diagnosis.  Those results would confirm what Grade it is and whether it is likely to spread or not.

So we left that little room and the Macmillan Nurse took us into another little room where she was very nice, sympathetic, gave us some more information, I even got an A5 handbook to take home and digest in my own time.   Then we were out of there, numbly walking to the car, thinking about what to tell the children (nothing, we must protect our little babies from this horror at all costs) and how to go home and tell my own mum, who had been drafted in to look after the kids whilst we were out, that this was the start....of a very bumpy ride.