Silver Lining

Sorry I've been so quiet.    I am VERY happy that I have had my last chemo - over a week ago actually! but I am just rather bored of this whole cancer/chemo thing and haven't felt inspired to write anything.    I am tired, mentally and physically, it's a side effect of the treatment - there are many side effects which I have written about before, but the fatigue I've experienced this time round has been something else.    That combined with the soreness and constant chemical taste in my mouth, makes me feel crappy, oh did I mention my sore feet?! - they hurt even in bed.  Anyway, I don't want to be all doom and gloom, whinging.   I've just got to work through it and keep telling myself it will all pass - in a week or so.  I am very lucky I don't have to live in pain constantly like many people do and I know exactly what is causing all my discomforts.

I've got lots of lovely things to look forward to!   Mini break for the hubsters birthday, spa day and a holiday in Majorca during August.  Bring it on!   I'm hoping that by August I'll have enough hair on my head to feel confident going out and about without a wig or head scarf.   My hair is growing but I'm still sporting the "fluffy chick" look.   But you can see my scalp shining through! not a good look.

I'm looking ahead to getting back to 'normal'.   My darling daughter said to me yesterday "When breast cancer has finished Mummy, will you come swimming with us?"  Bless the child.   I have avoided swimming pools throughout my treatment as I believe they are a breeding ground for germs.  I haven't been to work since February!! and I am looking forward to getting back into a routine, getting out of the house a bit more and exercising my brain as well as my body.   Today is the first day I am drug free! and can hopefully stay that way.

My treatment will finish after 4 weeks of radiotherapy in September.  This will blast any remaining cancer cells that have escaped the chemo and give me the very best odds on the cancer never returning.   Apparently radiotherapy doesn't make you feel ill, just makes the skin sore, like sunburn - so I will have one sore, yet cancer free left tit come October!!

I've also been making the most of some therapy sessions at The Olive Tree.   This registered charity is a wonderfully supportive place for cancer sufferers and their families.    Patients in my area are very lucky that this place exists.   Organisations such as this are supporting patients and complimenting the hard work of the NHS up and down the country.    Oh and whilst I mention the NHS - isn't it great!?!!  MOST patients receive excellent care on a daily basis.   No matter what background you come from or how much money you have - you can get FREE healthcare here in the UK.  This does not happen all around the world.   Let's hope this Government doesn't mess it all up for us and our future.    Please visit the 38 Degrees website if you want to help SAVE THE NHS.

Finally, I must just say how chuffed I am that my Race for Life Team "Oh Marvellous!" have now raised the total sum of £3,740 for Cancer Research UK!!   I am amazed at this figure and am so glad that such a positive thing has evolved from my diagnosis.     This has reaffirmed my belief that "every cloud has a silver lining".

Hair today gone tomorrow....

The last 3-4 days my hair has been shedding a fair bit.   I had been hopefully thinking it would slow down or stop, but it’s the not knowing that has finally got to me.   Plus, this morning on the way to the hospital I had a bad headache and I just could not bear the thought of sitting with the cold cap on for 4 hours!!   Wondering and waiting to see if I will lose all my hair has been causing me considerable stress and worry, and it has been falling out bit by bit anyway, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Enough wondering and worrying, I declined the cold cap at chemo today and it was such a relief!!!   My DH has a set of clippers he uses regularly on his own head, so very shortly he will be shaving my head! And maybe we can even get the kids to help!  They are naturally quite worried about having a baldy for a mum, so hopefully if they can see it happening or even help it will be less of a shock for them.

Now that I have decided what to do and am taking action, at the moment at least, I feel good about it.   Once its done I am sure I will shed a few tears and it will take a while to get used to the chilly feeling!    My DH will obviously have to get his head around it too!   As he rightly said “I look at you more than you do!”

Hours later………

The deed is done!   My DH has shaved my head to a number 4.  He had to be brave too.  So I now look like I am joining the army, or like I’m ready to join the Gay Pride March (sorry I’m not usually one for stereotyping people but in this case, it’s true – see pic!)

I’m proud to say I haven’t shed a tear at all.  I feel liberated and would happily walk around with my nearly bare head on show, if it wasn’t so flaming chilly!!   It is very short at the back, and not very attractive, so this morning I braved my first trip out wearing a wig!!   I have to say how grateful I am to Marilyn at The Olive Tree for lending me a couple of wigs to tide me over until my new one arrives.   The Olive Tree is an amazing oasis of calm for people like me where we can  have lots of lovely complimentary therapy treatments and support.  There is always someone there to talk to and its just one minute walk from the hospital where I have my chemo – perfect!  

So I was very brave going out on the school run for the first time wearing Honey – she is a honey blond bob, a little too ‘big’ for my liking but not bad.   My lovely mates at the school playground were very supportive.  Honey is rather itchy though, especially at the back of my neck.  I’m much happier with a head scarf or hat on, but then my appearance does tend to scream “cancer patient” rather loudly! – it’s much easier to blend in with a wig on although I feel more self conscious.

My kids have been a bit unsettled by my dramatic change of appearance.  They didn’t get off to sleep til nearly 9.45 p.m last night! But that could be Easter excitement too.  They definitely prefer it when I cover my head up, though my son (age 7) is rather embarrassed by it all, bless him.   It will take them time to adjust.

So that’s 2 Chemo sessions down – 4 to go!! Whoop Whoop!!   Today I feel pretty good. No sickness or nausea.   I’m tired – but what’s new there then!!

Tomorrow will bring a new hurdle - injecting myself in the belly with a drug called GCSF which will boost my white blood cells and hopefully avoid another stay in hospital after day 10.  I'll let you know how I get on! xx